Mommy Wars: We’re all “Mom”

Well, I promised a big announcement and here it is!  After 2 1/2 years as a stay at home mom, I’ve recently gone back to work full time!  It’s been a huge adjustment for our family, but its a decision that we are happy with.  It’s funny, when I left my job to stay home after Noah was born, we always joked that I was “retired.”  I wasn’t looking for a job and had no plans of returning to work.  I was enjoying the blog as my creative outlet and my time with my boys.  This past Fall, I was approached with an opportunity that seemed to be a great fit for our family.  After 5 interviews and weighing the pros and cons for weeks, when I was offered the position, we decided to go for it!  There are a lot of things we are still adjusting to (Mommas, help me out here!) and the one thing I’ve definitely learned is that whether you’re a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, being a mom is just plain hard, exhausting, fun, and so very fulfilling all at the same time.

Going back to work full time has given me a unique view into both “sides” of motherhood.  I now understand that each situation has a unique set of challenges, and neither is perfect.  I don’t normally write emotional posts, but I’m hoping that by sharing a peek inside the life of both a stay-at-home mom and a full time working mom, it will encourage us to have compassion for one another and support each other in this journey of motherhood.  Far too often, I hear judgement and criticism coming from both sides of the fence, when in reality we are all trying so hard to be the best mom that we can be.  Instead of viewing each other as on opposite “sides” can we just see one another as a fellow mom?  We really aren’t all that different from each other.

As a stay-at-home mom, I had the best of my children.  I got to play with them in the morning, when they were just up from a good night’s sleep (most of the time) and full of energy.  We got to go to the park, the zoo, and out for play dates.  I got to see every milestone the very first time it happened.  We created, explored, laughed, and played together all day. My house was pretty clean and organized and we had homemade meals every night.  We were on no one’s schedule but our own.  I got to wear yoga pants every day. Sounds pretty perfect, huh?

Here’s what you don’t see:

1. She’s lonely.  Sure there’s a play date every week (at which she never gets to have an adult conversation), but the majority of her week is spent at home, with her kids, with no other adult to talk to. She craves more time with other adults.  She’s so. tired. of. talking. about. kids.
2. She’s tired.  She doesn’t sit down all day.  She doesn’t even take time to eat a proper lunch.  Sometimes during the day, all of the kids are crying and she does too. She’s up late at night, finishing the housework that didn’t get done during the day or soaking in a few minutes of quiet.
3. She bears the weight of being the primary child care provider and decision maker.  Is her child learning as much as the kids in a structured day care program?  Will her child know how to behave in a classroom setting?  How should she get her child to eat better?  How should she get her child to sleep better?  How should she start potty training? How should she handle discipline?
4. She doesn’t receive validation.  Her husband doesn’t see the work she does raising children all day and her kids certainly don’t thank her for making lunch or disciplining them.
5. She feels guilty.  For being short with her kids after being asked “why” for the ten thousandth time that day.  For not taking them to the park but trying to keep up with housework instead.  For serving Mac and cheese for lunch for the third time this week because she can’t take another fight with a two year old. (Not that I’ve ever experienced that 😉 ).  For being on her phone too much, craving a connection with the outside world.
6. She envies the mom that gets to shower, fix her hair, do her makeup, and put on real clothes.  Necklace?  Dangly earrings?  Forget it.
7. She microwaves her cup of coffee at least three times, maybe more, before ever finishing it (if she finishes it at all).
8. She worries relentlessly.  Are her kids having fun?  Would they rather be around other kids more?
9. She’s selfless.  She sacrifices her hair, her wardrobe, fun nights out for the sake of getting to stay home with her kids.  The money she does spend on herself consists of drive-by shopping at Target with kids screaming in the cart while making the trip out because she’s out of diapers.  She can’t justify buying nice clothes when they’ll be covered in spit up by 7 AM.  She never puts herself first.
10. She loves her kids fiercely.  She would do anything for those precious babies (and she does) and she just prays that they know how much they are loved.

As a working mom, I start each day by getting myself ready for the day.  I wear cute clothes, jewelry, and makeup every day.  Well, most days. I sit at my desk and drink warm coffee in peace every morning while I check email and read the daily Skimm (side note – it’s my new favorite app!).  I order groceries online and have them delivered to my house because I don’t want to spend time running to the store with my kids.  I sometimes go out to lunch with a friend (kid free!) and I always get to eat my food before it turns cold. I get to learn new skills myself and have intellectual conversations with other adults. I receive validation from my job.  I make the most of the time I do have with my kids. I make an effort to put my phone down and be really, truly present with them when I’m off work. I plan date nights and weekend trips with my hubby because we are able to do things like that with two incomes (especially after being used to living on one!). I have child care providers to lean on when I want advice on sleep, eating, and discipline. Sounds pretty perfect huh?

Here’s what you don’t see:

1. She wants to be alone.  She’s constantly around people.  Co-workers, family, kids, all requiring something of her.
2. She’s tired.  She’s up before anyone else to get herself and the kids ready for the day.  She’s up way too late throwing in that load of laundry thats been sitting in the laundry room for days now.
3. She bears the weight of trying to be everything for everyone.  Her boss, her co-workers, her husband, her kids, and her friends.
4. She feels pulled too thin.  She forgot diapers for day care.  She forgot to plan dinner.  She forgot that early morning meeting.  She forgot that email that needed a response yesterday.  She hasn’t had time to take the constantly growing kid shopping for new shoes.
5. She feels guilty.  For being short with her kids after a long day at work.  For sneaking peeks at her phone to check her work email.  When her kids say in their sweet little voices, “Do you have to work again, Mommy?” Sometimes she even feels guilty when she looks forward to Monday.  Her family hasn’t had a home cooked meal all week and the laundry is piling up.  Guilty.
6. She envies the mom that gets to wake up on her own schedule, watch Paw Patrol with her kids, and wear yoga pants all day. She craves a slower pace of life.  Evenings are a rush to get dinner on the table, play with the kids, and get them to bed at a reasonable hour.
7. She worries relentlessly. Do her kids see her enough?  Do they know how much she misses them?  Do they feel loved by their caretakers? Are they crying too much, eating too little, sleeping well during the day?
8. She’s selfless. She works tirelessly all day long to meet the needs and demands of others.  Her mind never stops.  She lays in bed at night thinking about all of the things that need to get done the next day.  She never puts herself first.
9. She misses her babies during the day.  She longs to hear their sweet little giggles to lighten the stress of work.  She can’t wait to see their little smiles and hear them say, “I love you, Momma” at the end of the day.
10. She loves her kids fiercely.  She would do anything for those precious babies (and she does) and she just prays that they know how much they are loved.

Do you see my point, Momma?  We are all tired.  We all feel guilty at times.  We all worry.  We all feel envious of something the “other type” of mom has.  We are all selfless. We all bear a lot of weight on our shoulders. We all compare ourselves and wonder if we are doing enough.  But at the end of the day, we are all moms.  We all love our kids fiercely.  It doesn’t matter if we work full time or stay home, or something in between, our worries, fears, and pressures of motherhood are the same.  Not one of us is doing it better than the other. You are the perfect momma for your kiddos.  That’s it.

It makes me sad to see and hear all of this mommy war chatter.  I hope that by sharing my perspective both as a working mom and as a stay at home mom, it will encourage you to have more compassion with women that are in a different position than you.  Mothering is hard.  We all need love, support, and encouragement from each other.  Let’s be each other’s tribe.  :). Take your stay-at-home momma friend out to coffee on a Saturday morning.  Take dinner over to your working momma friend one night.  Lighten the load and love each other.

Guess I better go throw that load of laundry in now….anyone want to come do that for me?  😉

XOXO Mommas!